for Sherra's blook

Sherra is my passionate kumare and ex-office mate who inspired me to finally start this blog... This is my contribution to her blook (blog book) which I hope she finishes soon... written July 19, 2008


I was with my graduate school friends taking our usual after-class snacks. After a grueling class in Finance, it was really therapeutic to talk about silly and “mababaw” stuffs. Out of the blue, I don’t know why the topic shifted to future plans.

One shared about his plans to follow his parents in Japan and find work there. A friend who was a full-time student was planning to find a real job after graduation. Another classmate related how she was just struggling to finish the degree so she can lead a normal life again. When it was my turn to share, I just quipped, “Gusto kong mag-asawa.” I told them that it was my ultimate dream in life. Of course, they never stopped teasing me after that especially owing to the fact that I was NBSB that time.

Eversince my paper-doll-playing days when I was seven, I had always wanted a happy and warm family. My paperdoll Mommy, Daddy and three kids will all sleep at night together after a fun-filled day. You see, I never grew up with a dad. He died when I was four and I guess, having a complete family with a father to cherish and protect his wife and kids was something that I have always wanted to experience.

A guy from the community I am involved in courted me. He was not exactly the one that I imagined myself to be with. But he was okay. He was laid back, funny, cool, street smart - everything that I am not. I gave him my yes and so, I had my first boyfriend.

The relationship didn’t work. I realized there were so many things that I still have to learn about men, about love. I have no brother or any close guy friend to learn them from. The lesson cost me a broken relationship, a year of wallowing in pain, a struggle to rise above my fears and to rebuild my lost self-confidence. But despite these tradeoffs, I had gained invaluable realizations through this episode in my life. I had proven how truly great God is. He had taken away only a single person but it led me to rebuild and enrich my relationship with my family and friends, and yes, even to myself. I thought God shattered my heart. But in retrospect, He had made my heart more beautiful. He allowed me to learn and experience the true meaning of love – for myself, for other people, and for Him my true Father.

As of this writing, I am already a few steps away from complete healing. I have come to accept that I am a good person and that guy is also a good person but sometimes, two good people are not just good together. I have decided that there is no other way but to move forward, leave the past behind and believe that the best is still to come.

My ultimate dream in life does not change. I still dream of raising my Christian family with a good man. And so, I remain hopeful that at the right time, when I am prepared myself, God will give me the man that I am praying for - someone who makes me laugh over silly things, who loves me for the great things and the not-so-great things about me, whom I can talk to about anything under the sun until the wee hours of the morning, who will wrap me with an embrace that tells me that I am loved and cared for despite myself, who finds it sweet and cute how i run my fingers through his face and pinch his cheeks the hardest I can, who listens to what I am saying and what I am not saying, who corrects me when I’m pasaway, who will tell me that I have the most beautiful voice while I’m singing even if I am really not, who will cook for me and stay beside me when I am sick, who will love my favorite sinigang na “pauto” because it is my favorite, who will give me three beautiful kids, who is faithful and true, who treats me well and gently, who I can love warts and all and who will just allow me to love him the best way I can.